your best roasts/jokes

General discussion, shows, and everything else.

Postby keep_it_real » Fri Feb 17, 2017 7:25 am

hey

so i am hosting a surprise roast this weekend, and i need some content.

what are your best roasts? the guy we're roasting has a ska related tattoo, is pretty short, has glasses, and is from an undesirable town.

help me out!
keep_it_real
 
Posts: 7069
Joined: Thu Jun 29, 2006 3:03 pm

Postby c_floyd II » Fri Feb 17, 2017 7:34 am

My best roast would be a nice bone-in beer standing rib roast using a reverse sear method. A good dry rub will do wonders for a delicious and beautiful crust.
User avatar
c_floyd II
 
Posts: 21570
Joined: Tue Oct 05, 2004 7:23 pm
Location: Nü Hampshire

Postby antipasto » Fri Feb 17, 2017 7:40 am

A surprise roast sounds like a great idea
User avatar
antipasto
 
Posts: 3670
Joined: Mon Mar 04, 2013 10:18 am
Location: CA

Postby shitbag » Fri Feb 17, 2017 7:43 am

"I tried coming up with some jokes about you but I ended up asking strangers on the internet. board is life"
User avatar
shitbag
Bag of Shit
 
Posts: 4466
Joined: Fri Jul 31, 2009 3:49 pm
Location: HOME OF YOUR ORLANDOOOOOOOOOOOO MAGIC

Postby SchlongConnery » Fri Feb 17, 2017 8:02 am

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
User avatar
SchlongConnery
 
Posts: 1504
Joined: Fri Nov 02, 2012 5:20 pm
Location: L.A. Gear

Postby Avoidance Learning » Fri Feb 17, 2017 8:06 am

funboi wrote:My best roast would be a nice bone-in beer standing rib roast using a reverse sear method. A good dry rub will do wonders for a delicious and beautiful crust.


This is tantalizing, what are the sides? I'm wet.
User avatar
Avoidance Learning
Barfyman362
 
Posts: 76101
Joined: Sat Oct 06, 2007 9:00 am
Location: And then you have Kerry King who’s like ‘You see? You see these tribal tattoos?

Postby c_floyd II » Fri Feb 17, 2017 8:15 am

Root vegetables, green beans sauteed in butter/garlic. Baked potato. Garlic bread even.
User avatar
c_floyd II
 
Posts: 21570
Joined: Tue Oct 05, 2004 7:23 pm
Location: Nü Hampshire

Postby creativexcover » Fri Feb 17, 2017 9:09 am

Where does Fonzy go for lunch?

Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy
User avatar
creativexcover
 
Posts: 6855
Joined: Tue Mar 19, 2013 11:39 am
Location: Most likely at work

Postby shitbag » Fri Feb 17, 2017 9:10 am

creativexcover wrote:Where does Fonzy go for lunch?

Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy



:smt005 :smt005 :smt005
User avatar
shitbag
Bag of Shit
 
Posts: 4466
Joined: Fri Jul 31, 2009 3:49 pm
Location: HOME OF YOUR ORLANDOOOOOOOOOOOO MAGIC

Postby CeaseAndPersist » Fri Feb 17, 2017 9:31 am

A nice tri-tip. Seared before being thrown in the crockpot with some garlic, a nice red wine (get yourself a decent bottle because only 1/3 is going, drink the rest while you wait), some thyme, salt, pepper, and a finely diced onion. Feel free to throw some mushrooms in there if you're getting creative.
User avatar
CeaseAndPersist
 
Posts: 389
Joined: Tue Oct 14, 2014 7:37 pm
Location: Montana

Postby CeaseAndPersist » Fri Feb 17, 2017 9:32 am

OP is Ned Mencia
User avatar
CeaseAndPersist
 
Posts: 389
Joined: Tue Oct 14, 2014 7:37 pm
Location: Montana

Postby Stoner Witch » Fri Feb 17, 2017 9:36 am

Just sing "ska sucks" as loud as you can while fanning farts in his face. He'll get the idea.
User avatar
Stoner Witch
THWUMP
 
Posts: 7020
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2008 5:23 pm
Location: chicago

Postby jonsetsfire » Fri Feb 17, 2017 9:48 am

antipasto wrote:A surprise roast sounds like a great idea

Sounds like an intervention to me.
User avatar
jonsetsfire
 
Posts: 1571
Joined: Tue Oct 11, 2005 1:01 am
Location: Chicago/Virginia

Postby HOTDOGS_COMINURWAY » Fri Feb 17, 2017 10:15 am

I like to use an espresso rub and get some nice color on all sides, this is key. Remove the meat and throw in some onion and carrot, garlic until soft. Deglaze with some nice red wine and add flour. Throw it all in a dutch oven with some thyme and fresh bay leaves, meat last and throw that somabitch in for a good 2 or 3 hours on low temp. Sip on the rest of that wine if thats your thing or just chill and play some video games.
User avatar
HOTDOGS_COMINURWAY
 
Posts: 954
Joined: Sun Jan 25, 2015 5:43 pm

Postby oldorder » Fri Feb 17, 2017 12:33 pm

Rip on how beautiful and delicious his hog is. That'll get him.
oldorder
would rather die than not eat Taco Bell
 
Posts: 13036
Joined: Tue Nov 09, 2010 4:23 pm
Location: On my ALCATEL 4015T

Postby judge smails » Fri Feb 17, 2017 1:23 pm

I would eat a grotesque amount of shrimp in front of him. He'll say something smarmy, like "the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp." That's when you hit him with the kill shot:
Spoiler: show
OH YEAH? WELL I HAD SEX WITH YOUR WIFE!
User avatar
judge smails
 
Posts: 7430
Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2009 1:17 am
Location: The Flying Wasp

Postby captainsunshine » Fri Feb 17, 2017 1:25 pm

tell him he is skautistic
User avatar
captainsunshine
Wezzerfan34
 
Posts: 37065
Joined: Tue Feb 16, 2010 5:18 pm
Location: Alfonso Ribeiro's Tear Ducts

Postby Chris M. » Fri Feb 17, 2017 1:29 pm

judge smails wrote:I would eat a grotesque amount of shrimp in front of him. He'll say something smarmy, like "the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp." That's when you hit him with the kill shot:
Spoiler: show
OH YEAH? WELL I HAD SEX WITH YOUR WIFE!

His wife is in a coma.
User avatar
Chris M.
 
Posts: 5618
Joined: Thu May 27, 2004 4:13 pm
Location: Rhode Island

Postby iansaysftw » Fri Feb 17, 2017 1:29 pm

Douse him in Worcestershire and liberally apply sea salt on all sides of your friend. Lightly sprinkle some paprika and drown his pet. Then Add everyone he knew from high school on Facebook and out him as gay. Tell his parents he only ever masturbated on their bed. Tell his kids that he rollerblades. Cook over an open flame for 10 minutes.
User avatar
iansaysftw
 
Posts: 4747
Joined: Mon Feb 08, 2010 10:42 pm
Location: LA-ish

Postby judge smails » Fri Feb 17, 2017 1:31 pm

Chris M. wrote:
judge smails wrote:I would eat a grotesque amount of shrimp in front of him. He'll say something smarmy, like "the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp." That's when you hit him with the kill shot:
Spoiler: show
OH YEAH? WELL I HAD SEX WITH YOUR WIFE!

His wife is in a coma.

Oh shit. I'd probably just slunk out then.
User avatar
judge smails
 
Posts: 7430
Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2009 1:17 am
Location: The Flying Wasp

Postby creativexcover » Fri Feb 17, 2017 1:32 pm

judge smails wrote:
Chris M. wrote:
judge smails wrote:I would eat a grotesque amount of shrimp in front of him. He'll say something smarmy, like "the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp." That's when you hit him with the kill shot:
Spoiler: show
OH YEAH? WELL I HAD SEX WITH YOUR WIFE!

His wife is in a coma.

Oh shit. I'd probably just slunk out then.

Image
User avatar
creativexcover
 
Posts: 6855
Joined: Tue Mar 19, 2013 11:39 am
Location: Most likely at work

Postby iansaysftw » Fri Feb 17, 2017 1:33 pm

Contact every single one of his ex girlfriends and tell them he is still in love with them.
User avatar
iansaysftw
 
Posts: 4747
Joined: Mon Feb 08, 2010 10:42 pm
Location: LA-ish

Postby shitbag » Fri Feb 17, 2017 1:36 pm

ask him if his dad knows he is gay.
User avatar
shitbag
Bag of Shit
 
Posts: 4466
Joined: Fri Jul 31, 2009 3:49 pm
Location: HOME OF YOUR ORLANDOOOOOOOOOOOO MAGIC

Postby iansaysftw » Fri Feb 17, 2017 1:37 pm

Just start listing every single secret he's ever told you on stage.
User avatar
iansaysftw
 
Posts: 4747
Joined: Mon Feb 08, 2010 10:42 pm
Location: LA-ish

Postby keep_it_real » Fri Feb 17, 2017 2:51 pm

lol thanks guys.

pretty much just going to hammer him with one liners.
keep_it_real
 
Posts: 7069
Joined: Thu Jun 29, 2006 3:03 pm

Postby Avoidance Learning » Fri Feb 17, 2017 2:52 pm

shitbag wrote:ask him if his dad knows he is gay.

you wanna suck my dad's dick?
User avatar
Avoidance Learning
Barfyman362
 
Posts: 76101
Joined: Sat Oct 06, 2007 9:00 am
Location: And then you have Kerry King who’s like ‘You see? You see these tribal tattoos?

Postby shitbag » Fri Feb 17, 2017 2:58 pm

Avoidance Learning wrote:
shitbag wrote:ask him if his dad knows he is gay.

you wanna suck my dad's dick?


I mean if you wouldn't and he needs to be saved from a snake bite. sign me up
Last edited by shitbag on Fri Feb 17, 2017 2:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
shitbag
Bag of Shit
 
Posts: 4466
Joined: Fri Jul 31, 2009 3:49 pm
Location: HOME OF YOUR ORLANDOOOOOOOOOOOO MAGIC

Postby Avoidance Learning » Fri Feb 17, 2017 2:59 pm

shitbag wrote:
Avoidance Learning wrote:
shitbag wrote:ask him if his dad knows he is gay.

you wanna suck my dad's dick?


I mean if you wouldn't and he needs to be saved from a snake bite. sign me up

what if we both do it?
User avatar
Avoidance Learning
Barfyman362
 
Posts: 76101
Joined: Sat Oct 06, 2007 9:00 am
Location: And then you have Kerry King who’s like ‘You see? You see these tribal tattoos?

Postby shitbag » Fri Feb 17, 2017 2:59 pm

Avoidance Learning wrote:
shitbag wrote:
Avoidance Learning wrote:
shitbag wrote:ask him if his dad knows he is gay.

you wanna suck my dad's dick?


I mean if you wouldn't and he needs to be saved from a snake bite. sign me up

what if we both do it?


:smt008: team workkkkkkk
User avatar
shitbag
Bag of Shit
 
Posts: 4466
Joined: Fri Jul 31, 2009 3:49 pm
Location: HOME OF YOUR ORLANDOOOOOOOOOOOO MAGIC

Postby captainsunshine » Fri Feb 17, 2017 3:00 pm

keep_it_real wrote:pretty much just going to hammer him

we all knew you were going to fuck him
User avatar
captainsunshine
Wezzerfan34
 
Posts: 37065
Joined: Tue Feb 16, 2010 5:18 pm
Location: Alfonso Ribeiro's Tear Ducts

Postby macho insecurity » Fri Feb 17, 2017 3:17 pm

Show up and kill yourself.
User avatar
macho insecurity
 
Posts: 26807
Joined: Sat Jul 21, 2012 4:46 pm
Location: Calgary, AB

Postby jonsetsfire » Fri Feb 17, 2017 9:07 pm

macho insecurity wrote:Show up and kill yourself.

Got em.
User avatar
jonsetsfire
 
Posts: 1571
Joined: Tue Oct 11, 2005 1:01 am
Location: Chicago/Virginia

Postby !azzip » Fri Feb 17, 2017 9:10 pm

shitbag wrote:ask him if his dad knows he is gay.

Wait- he blades too?? Judas Priest
User avatar
!azzip
Mind the d, ladies
 
Posts: 11080
Joined: Wed Oct 06, 2010 9:13 pm
Location: sf

Postby Tim the Toolman Taylor » Fri Feb 17, 2017 9:38 pm

captainsunshine wrote:tell him he is skautistic

Hahahaha
User avatar
Tim the Toolman Taylor
 
Posts: 2802
Joined: Sat Jan 02, 2010 11:31 pm
Location: Long Island

Postby HOTDOGS_COMINURWAY » Fri Feb 17, 2017 11:00 pm

choke his girlfriend to death
User avatar
HOTDOGS_COMINURWAY
 
Posts: 954
Joined: Sun Jan 25, 2015 5:43 pm

Postby xpatx » Fri Feb 17, 2017 11:26 pm

Damn, this took a dark turn
User avatar
xpatx
 
Posts: 7170
Joined: Fri Jun 16, 2006 1:13 am
Location: Tacoma

Postby ElectricWolfPit » Fri Feb 17, 2017 11:47 pm

Call him a real piece of work but with an attitude like he isn't really
User avatar
ElectricWolfPit
 
Posts: 142
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2016 10:15 am

Postby baustin » Sat Feb 18, 2017 2:00 am

friend A roasted another friend B saying that he'd "fuck him mom to deaf"

Spoiler: show
friend B's mom is actually deaf.
baustin
 
Posts: 2189
Joined: Mon Apr 06, 2009 12:15 am
Location: Upland, CA

Postby keep_it_real » Tue Feb 21, 2017 10:33 am

roast went really damn well, dude was visibly confused as his birthday was a full month ago.
keep_it_real
 
Posts: 7069
Joined: Thu Jun 29, 2006 3:03 pm

Postby creativexcover » Tue Feb 21, 2017 10:56 am

HOTDOGS_COMINURWAY wrote:choke his girlfriend to death
User avatar
creativexcover
 
Posts: 6855
Joined: Tue Mar 19, 2013 11:39 am
Location: Most likely at work



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: A Lengthy Trip, Bing [Bot], charade you are!, Danimo17, futureworldcitizen, Google [Bot], Matt_D, MSNbot Media, Stop Calling Me Warren and 94 guests